Uncontrolled self-replication

Scientists are alarmed about uncontrolled self-replication in nature.  A microscopic carbon-eating mini-crab that eats carbon and is used to clean up oil spills could go out of control and eat all the carbon on the planet.  That would, of course solve the carbon problem, but we are also carbon based and we demand to be saved. Scientists believe that we heed to hire millions of scientists to watch out for this problem.  Global warming grants are starting to dry up and we need some other scam in order to generate grants to pay our salaries and pay for our almost continuous travel to conferences all over the world.

These self-replicating organisms are very tiny and could get into trouble while unnoticed.  It is imperative that enough scientists be employed all over the world to go where they might be and notice them, so they can tell the rest of us where they are.  We would, of course, set off the alarm and notify the media.  Then we would all go there and try to figure out what they are and what they like to eat.  This could take some time and a lot more money. 

We will also need an entirely different group of scientists to whose job it would be to think up other potentially harmful things we can get more grant money to study.  With enough scientists on the government payroll, we should be able to investigate all the dangers faced by the human race and the planet and the animals and flowers and trees and fish.

Scientists will also be needed to work at non-profits for special interest groups who have taken on a particular species to protect and lobbyists and law firms to threaten our elected officials with extinction if they don’t give us the money.

We have been worried about uncontrolled human self-replication for decades and have convinced the environmental zealots, Bill Gates and the Royal Family that it needs to be stopped.

We are in agreement that true science needs to be pursued to produce predetermined results regardless of the data, based on what our funding organizations want to accomplish. This has given “political science” an entirely new meaning.

Norb Leahy, Dunwoody GA Tea Party Leader