Your Government Needs Your Help

By Norb Leahy, February 1994, Georgia Medical Journal. 

Dear Citizen, We hope you think that we in government are doing a good job.  We know that life isn't perfect and, therefore, we have made that our philosophy.  We are doing the best we can with the little money we have.  We have been busy worrying about our society.  That's our job.  We would like to share some of our concerns.  We are having some problems funding our criminal justice and education systems, and our environmental protection and health programs and could use more money.  Most of all, we want you as citizens to do your part by volunteering to help us implement our newest program ideas.

Our parole boards are having to let violent criminals out of jail because there aren't enough jail cells.  We would like for you to initiate a petition to increase your state and federal taxes so that we can set up a fund and study it and maybe build some more prisons in 10 or 20 years.  In the meantime, we are excited about using the money to start our new "adopt a felon" program, where you can adopt a released convict and keep him in your home and be the family he never had.

Our immigration service is concerned that illegal immigrants are streaming across our borders and have given up trying to catch and deport them because they all claim political asylum.  We passed a law that prevents companies from hiring them, so some are selling drugs and the others are going on welfare.  We are currently planning an "adopt an illegal Immigrant" program so that you can keep one in your home and learn a second language and a different culture.

Some time ago, we let all of the crazy people out of the mental institutions because we were afraid that we were violating their civil rights and besides, we needed the money we spent to keep them there for other things.  We need a "crazy person neighborhood watch" program so that if these people wander into your neighborhood, we will know what they are doing.  Remember, we can't do anything unless they kill somebody, so if they do, make sure to call and let us know.

Our police officers are unable to stop the violent crime associated with drug gangs and crazy people.  Drugs flow freely over the border, and crazy people are everywhere.  We need money so we can hire 100,000 police officers who can get out into bad neighborhoods where these drug gangs and crazy people live so they can get to know them.

Our teachers are having to teach kids about safe sex, hand out condoms, check kids for weapons and teach classes in self esteem, environmental protection, diversity, homosexuality, child abuse, and political correctness.  Consequently, we no longer have the time or money to teach them to read, write, or do math.  We would appreciate it if you could go over reading, writing, and math with your kids at home in your spare time.  We would like to avoid any further decline in their SAT scores.

 

Our nuclear production sites are a mess.  We can't clean them up.  This stuff could be leaking into your drinking water soon.  We need money to throw at this until somebody figures out what to do.

Our Medicare and Medicaid programs were a big success, and the demand for health care skyrocketed.  Giving free health care to old and poor people was much more expensive than we thought, and there's no end in sight.  We are continuing to spend much more on these programs than we take.  Rather than raise your taxes, we decided not to pay the providers what they charged.  These providers then raised their charges to make up for what we didn't pay.  Insurance premiums got so high that 37 million people didn't buy health insurance and really sick people couldn't get it.  Providers treated them anyway and raised their charges to make up for what they didn't pay.  Well, now we have to fix this mess and make everybody buy health Insurance.  We need your support to make these 37 million people pay premiums to the insurance companies.  It's an outrage.

On a more positive note, we want to share our excitement with you over some of the ideas we have to help families through government programs and create more non-manufacturing jobs.  We are excited about our health reform, foreign trade, and gun control initiatives as well as our plans to purchase more land.  We plan to issue everyone a national health card and a national ID card and perhaps give everyone a tattoo with their number on it for a small fee.  In addition, we are excited about our plans to help the former Soviet Union, South America, Africa, Asia, certainly all of the third world countries, and let's not forget about Europe.  I hope you are as excited as we are about our ideas for new programs, and we know you'll agree that increasing taxes, so that we can begin to cook up new things to try on our many problems and fund many worthy projects, is the answer.  We need to hire a lot more government employees, because you taxpayers will be demanding a lot more government services, and it's our job to see that you get them.   Warmest regards, Your Government

Source: Published in THE JOURNAL OF THE MEDICAL ASSOCIATION OF GEORGIA Volume 84 FEBUARY 1994

Comments

Some things never change.

Norb Leahy, Dunwoody GA Tea Party Leader