Primarily, lesbianism results from relationship
issues--such as with one’s mother and father, sexual abuse, and an identity
struggle. Other contributing factors include: negative spiritual influences; a
breakdown in peer relationships; media influences; public school and university
curricula; peer labeling, harassment or alienation; and fear of, or an
inability to relate to, the opposite sex.
Each of these is explored in this article. However, before a woman develops same-sex attractions or even entertains a homosexual thought, she likely has been exposed to one or more of the following preconditioning factors.
Definition of Preconditioning Factor:
Trauma that happens to a woman making her susceptible to same-sex desires later in her life.
Preconditioning factors
Female homosexuality actually has very little to do with sex. Rather, female homosexuality is driven by non-sexual, emotional and relational deficits that are usually-but not exclusively-based on one or more of the following preconditioning factors. While we will examine the root causes of lesbianism, please keep in mind that homosexuality is complex and a combination of factors work together to create this condition. It is too simplistic to attribute undue significance to any single aspect. Each preconditioning factor listed here, as well as others not discussed, can destroy a girl’s healthy perception of what it means to be female.
Physical trauma, including but not limited to: Sexual abuse,
Incest, Rape, Neglect
Emotional trauma, including but not limited to: Abandonment
Rejection, Unmet needs for love, acceptance, gender identification and validation, Absence of nurturing, Lack of protection, Verbal abuse
Rejection, Unmet needs for love, acceptance, gender identification and validation, Absence of nurturing, Lack of protection, Verbal abuse
Skewed or unhealthy parental roles: Mom-Fails to fulfill
her role as nurturer Dad-Fails to protect by being passive and/or unavailable
An unhealthy family environment: Any dysfunction causing the child to perceive the world as unsafe and threatening
Personality temperament: Insecure, alone, empty
Energetic/ hyperactive, Creative, bright, Intuitive, Keenly aware of surroundings, Self-protective
An unhealthy family environment: Any dysfunction causing the child to perceive the world as unsafe and threatening
Personality temperament: Insecure, alone, empty
Energetic/ hyperactive, Creative, bright, Intuitive, Keenly aware of surroundings, Self-protective
Relationship issue: The first component of
lesbianism
All human beings were created to be in relationship with one another. God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Gen. 2:18). Relationships are vital, but on earth none are perfect, nor will they ever be. Inappropriate homosexual attractions are developed and pursued largely because of the breakdown in a girl’s initial relationship with her family-mother and father directly influence her ability to develop the capacity to connect with others in a healthy manner. If you are the parent of a young girl who may be displaying prototypical lesbian characteristics, please understand that each girl is unique and sees herself and the world around her differently. No matter how sophisticated your parenting skills are, a child’s perception ultimately becomes her reality.
Sexual abuse: The second component of lesbianism
Anne Paulk, author, previous Exodus International board member, and former lesbian, conducted a study in 2001 directed at women overcoming homosexuality. Of the 265 women who responded, the results reveal the tremendous weight many preconditioning factors hold:
69.1 percent experienced emotional abuse
55.7 percent received emotional trauma including sexual innuendoes and specific sexual remarks that made her feel violated
66.4 percent were victims of sexual abuse
53.2 percent were verbally abused
39.6 percent felt abandoned
32.5 percent were victims of physical abuse
20.0 percent felt utterly neglected
Of those who were sexually abused, almost 80 percent were molested by males. Forty-two percent of those cases were incestuous. Twenty percent were molested by females.
The lesbian struggle is not a sexual orientation problem; it is an identity crisis.
An identity struggle: The second component of lesbianism.
The lesbian struggle is not a sexual orientation problem; it is an identity crisis. Research shows that relationship, a deep connection with others and self-identity are all inseparable for women. Consequently, when the process of learning who they are is derailed by broken or unhealthy relationships, an identity crisis develops. Typically, rejection, abandonment and separation from Mom, and unavailable, negative or abusive treatment by Dad, combined with other factors, communicate that being a woman is unacceptable, unsafe and ugly. These women often despise being female. Lesbians are searching for a basic sense of self, as well as for an identity, and their concept of femininity has been distorted.
The developmental stages: How females develop homosexual attractions: Infancy
All human beings were created to be in relationship with one another. God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Gen. 2:18). Relationships are vital, but on earth none are perfect, nor will they ever be. Inappropriate homosexual attractions are developed and pursued largely because of the breakdown in a girl’s initial relationship with her family-mother and father directly influence her ability to develop the capacity to connect with others in a healthy manner. If you are the parent of a young girl who may be displaying prototypical lesbian characteristics, please understand that each girl is unique and sees herself and the world around her differently. No matter how sophisticated your parenting skills are, a child’s perception ultimately becomes her reality.
Sexual abuse: The second component of lesbianism
Anne Paulk, author, previous Exodus International board member, and former lesbian, conducted a study in 2001 directed at women overcoming homosexuality. Of the 265 women who responded, the results reveal the tremendous weight many preconditioning factors hold:
69.1 percent experienced emotional abuse
55.7 percent received emotional trauma including sexual innuendoes and specific sexual remarks that made her feel violated
66.4 percent were victims of sexual abuse
53.2 percent were verbally abused
39.6 percent felt abandoned
32.5 percent were victims of physical abuse
20.0 percent felt utterly neglected
Of those who were sexually abused, almost 80 percent were molested by males. Forty-two percent of those cases were incestuous. Twenty percent were molested by females.
The lesbian struggle is not a sexual orientation problem; it is an identity crisis.
An identity struggle: The second component of lesbianism.
The lesbian struggle is not a sexual orientation problem; it is an identity crisis. Research shows that relationship, a deep connection with others and self-identity are all inseparable for women. Consequently, when the process of learning who they are is derailed by broken or unhealthy relationships, an identity crisis develops. Typically, rejection, abandonment and separation from Mom, and unavailable, negative or abusive treatment by Dad, combined with other factors, communicate that being a woman is unacceptable, unsafe and ugly. These women often despise being female. Lesbians are searching for a basic sense of self, as well as for an identity, and their concept of femininity has been distorted.
The developmental stages: How females develop homosexual attractions: Infancy
The primary influence in a baby girl’s life is
her relationship with her mother. Ideally, the infant first bonds with and
perceives her as nurturer, comforter and provider of life’s basic elements:
food, warmth, protection, safety and love. An infant’s strong physical bond with
her mother reinforces a sense of safety and security. Attachment to mother is
essential: It is the foundation of her feminine identity.
A baby can be denied these essentials for numerous reasons. For example, hospitalization may interrupt the initial bonding process without intention. In addition, when a female perceives or experiences rejection, abandonment or separation from her primary female caregiver, particularly as an infant, it may color all of her future relationships. The earlier the separation and neglect is perceived, the more profound the feelings of isolation and desolation21-and the more vulnerable she becomes to sexual identity confusion. Failing to obtain this attachment to mother is not the cause of homosexuality by any means; it simply opens the door for a child’s susceptibility to same-sex attraction in a number of subsequent developmental stages, including the formation of gender identity.
Definition: Gender identity:
A: Those characteristics that are linked to an individual’s intrinsic sense of self, which is based on attributes reflected in the person’s psychological, behavioral and/or cognitive state. Gender identity may also refer to one’s inherent impression of manhood or womanhood . . .
B: That part of identity concerned with masculinity or femininity.
Toddlerhood
Toddlers have a number of specific needs, which are too often overlooked or unidentified. Baby girls in particular need encouragement, boundaries and continual involvement with their mothers. At this point, mother is the primary person a little girl identifies with-girlhood and womanhood are taught through this relationship. If mother is radiating a sense of well-being, peace and contentment as a woman, it is likely the toddler will embrace a true sense of femininity and contentment with being a little girl.
If mother is perceived as distant, bitter, critical, overbearing and unloving, the daughter may begin to detach and withdraw from her-because being close to her can often mean pain, rejection and emptiness. When the little girl pulls back, she engages in what is known as defensive detachment. This is harmful, as it may lay the foundation for the way she reacts to relationships in the future. It also can cut her off and keep her from connecting and forming healthy relationships.
Definition: Defensive attachment:
A: According to former lesbian and now Christian therapist Patricia Graham, defensive detachment occurs when a “legitimate need for same-sex love is repressed. An intimacy and identification with the same-sex parent is obscured in some way, resulting in detachment by the child. Subsequently, there is a distrust or disdain of the same-sex parent by the child and an unwillingness to relate any longer to that parent. Even if love is offered it cannot be received by the child.”
B: A conscious or unconscious decision to protect ourselves by withdrawing our trust and affection.
A father's role is always critical, but it becomes especially important when his daughter approaches the age of 18 months old. As he continues providing for the mother’s needs, he also must come alongside his daughter and affirm her. This affirmation reinforces a young girl’s gender and identity.28 When her life starts in a friendly environment of warmth, openness and restful attachments, similar relationships will expand over time-in number and depth.29
However, the story changes when the mother’s and father’s roles are not properly fulfilled. “If the theme of separation (or brokenness, distrust or lack of fulfillment) enters into her primal relationship with her parents, the devastation will reverberate into the depths of her soul and identity,” explains Janelle Hallman. The basis of relationships throughout her life becomes one of separation. For a boy, it is appropriate to separate from his mother, strongly mirror and identify with his father. In a girl’s developmental process, such separation and detachment at this point makes itself a loud and devastating theme throughout life. She can lose the opportunity to practice and develop her relational capacities, which are foundational to becoming a secure woman. According to Anne Paulk’s 2001 survey on lesbianism, 53.9 percent of respondents reported being “tomboys” as little girls, admiring and modeling themselves after males (note: most “tomboys” grow out of this phase and do not become lesbians). These girls identified more with boys and boyish activities than with girls during their elementary school years.
Childhood
Growing girls need to respect their female identity. This affirmation can be conveyed through several people, especially peers. As they enter childhood, friends become very important in establishing a foundation upon which identity and nourishing relationships are formed. Friendship love-when a girl finds another girl with common interests-is critical to development. Such same-sex friendships affirm feminine identity.
Healthy friendships can fail to develop for many reasons. Perhaps a little girl is born into a military family and is forced to move frequently. Maybe she lives in a neighborhood where no other children are around. Maybe she has been sexually abused, or the emotional wounds from the lack of connection with her mother have tainted her ability to relate to others. Whatever the case, the implications can be extreme. She may learn to expect rejection and believe she is the cause of broken relationships. Furthermore, her perception may tell her that it is not safe to be female. Even if she has female friends, their actions and words-particularly if they point out masculine characteristics-can scar her deeply, shaping her sense of gender identity. Innocent friends can plant seeds of confusion and chaos that last a lifetime.
Puberty and adolescence
As a girl transitions into adolescence, she gains more and more independence and her mother’s and father’s attention begin to be replaced by peer relationships. Friends may become a leading influence at this point, and it is important she identify with girls her own age. As she feels a sense of belonging and is accepted and encouraged in her femininity, her identity will flourish. Though many teens typically feel they do not belong in “the group,” participating in activities and seeking common ground with peers remains crucial.
During this stage, the mysterious “other” also becomes apparent. Boys provide girls with a different opportunity to learn about femininity. The simple contrast between boys and girls helps to cement a girl’s identity. It is the first time in the developmental process that girls begin to define themselves by what they are not, and that is a good thing. These same- and opposite-sex peer relationships are invaluable during this stage. It is dangerous at this point if a young girl has not had her needs met in previous stages of development. Disconnectedness already may be a theme in her relationships though the true cry of her soul is to bond with others. She may feel empty. She may not know who she is-or she may even hate herself as a girl. Further, she does not know how to relate to her male or female peers. While she does the best she can, the emotional dependency that may plague her in adulthood has been planted. As a girl approaches adulthood, the culmination of the previous developmental stages may blossom into a full-fledged lesbian identity. At this point in her life, female relationships take on highly dependent characteristics.
“Emotional dependency is when a woman deposits her identity and well-being in another woman,” explains Janelle Hallman. The adult (and often teen) lesbian believes she is validated, accepted and secure only if she shares a connection with another. Nevertheless, this sort of connection is not healthy. If the relationship is threatened in any manner, she is thrown into crisis. This is because her true self-identity has not been formed; her behavior is a façade.
What is more, by pretending to be someone she is not (the façade), she becomes further and further distanced from her genuine self. Naturally, when the same-sex relationship deteriorates or fails, she despairs because she no longer has anyone validating her as a person. The vicious cycle of searching for her identity through homosexual relationships continues.
Adulthood
Again, the lesbian struggle is not centered so much on a sexual drive as it is on the emotional need for attachment and security. Nonetheless, even as an adult, the underlying theme in a lesbian’s life parallels that of a baby. An infant radiates insecurity just as a lesbian harbors insecurity deep within herself.
For example, what happens when a woman becomes separated in her primary relationship-the one she shares with her partner? The emotional blow may be so devastating that she is filled with hopelessness and may even contemplate suicide. It is similar with a baby. If the mother-infant relationship is severed, the baby actually could die. Another similarity to infants found in adult female homosexuals is that of wanting to nestle in another woman’s arms. Though adults performing such acts often become sexually aroused, the basis for doing them in the first place begins in infancy: Babies need to be comforted, to feel loved and to be accepted.
“Many of us who work in this field describe the core of a lesbian relationship as an emotional dependency.” -Janelle Hallman
The way out: Freedom from homosexuality
Understanding the dynamics of homosexuality can provide help and hope for those struggling with same-sex attractions. Many female homosexuals become angry or defensively skeptical when told they can change. They are quite independent and have learned to survive on their own, even if only through a façade. Despite the doubts, change is possible through the power of God.
Let us take another look at a recent study we mentioned at the beginning of this article. Robert L. Spitzer is Professor of Psychiatry and Chief of Biometrics at Columbia University. His provocative new study drew worldwide media attention at the American Psychiatric Association’s annual conference on May 9, 2001.
“Like most psychiatrists,” says Dr. Spitzer, “I thought that homosexual behavior could be resisted-but that no one could really change their sexual orientation. I now believe that is untrue-some people can and do change.” He interviewed 200 subjects (143 men and 57 women) who were willing to describe their sexual and emotional histories, including their self-reported shift from gay to straight. Most had sought change because a gay lifestyle had been emotionally unsatisfying. Many had been dissatisfied with the promiscuous, stormy relationships they had engaged in. A homosexual lifestyle also put them in conflict with their religious values.
“Contrary to conventional wisdom,” Spitzer concluded, “some highly motivated individuals, using a variety of change efforts, can make substantial change in multiple indicators of sexual orientation, and achieve good heterosexual functioning.” Spitzer added that change from homosexual to heterosexual is not a matter of “either/or,” but occurs on a continuum-with a gradual diminishing of homosexuality and expansion of heterosexual potential.41
As early as 1962, after treating more than 100 homosexuals, Dr. Irving Bieber concluded “a heterosexual shift is a possibility for all homosexuals who are strongly motivated to change.
A baby can be denied these essentials for numerous reasons. For example, hospitalization may interrupt the initial bonding process without intention. In addition, when a female perceives or experiences rejection, abandonment or separation from her primary female caregiver, particularly as an infant, it may color all of her future relationships. The earlier the separation and neglect is perceived, the more profound the feelings of isolation and desolation21-and the more vulnerable she becomes to sexual identity confusion. Failing to obtain this attachment to mother is not the cause of homosexuality by any means; it simply opens the door for a child’s susceptibility to same-sex attraction in a number of subsequent developmental stages, including the formation of gender identity.
Definition: Gender identity:
A: Those characteristics that are linked to an individual’s intrinsic sense of self, which is based on attributes reflected in the person’s psychological, behavioral and/or cognitive state. Gender identity may also refer to one’s inherent impression of manhood or womanhood . . .
B: That part of identity concerned with masculinity or femininity.
Toddlerhood
Toddlers have a number of specific needs, which are too often overlooked or unidentified. Baby girls in particular need encouragement, boundaries and continual involvement with their mothers. At this point, mother is the primary person a little girl identifies with-girlhood and womanhood are taught through this relationship. If mother is radiating a sense of well-being, peace and contentment as a woman, it is likely the toddler will embrace a true sense of femininity and contentment with being a little girl.
If mother is perceived as distant, bitter, critical, overbearing and unloving, the daughter may begin to detach and withdraw from her-because being close to her can often mean pain, rejection and emptiness. When the little girl pulls back, she engages in what is known as defensive detachment. This is harmful, as it may lay the foundation for the way she reacts to relationships in the future. It also can cut her off and keep her from connecting and forming healthy relationships.
Definition: Defensive attachment:
A: According to former lesbian and now Christian therapist Patricia Graham, defensive detachment occurs when a “legitimate need for same-sex love is repressed. An intimacy and identification with the same-sex parent is obscured in some way, resulting in detachment by the child. Subsequently, there is a distrust or disdain of the same-sex parent by the child and an unwillingness to relate any longer to that parent. Even if love is offered it cannot be received by the child.”
B: A conscious or unconscious decision to protect ourselves by withdrawing our trust and affection.
A father's role is always critical, but it becomes especially important when his daughter approaches the age of 18 months old. As he continues providing for the mother’s needs, he also must come alongside his daughter and affirm her. This affirmation reinforces a young girl’s gender and identity.28 When her life starts in a friendly environment of warmth, openness and restful attachments, similar relationships will expand over time-in number and depth.29
However, the story changes when the mother’s and father’s roles are not properly fulfilled. “If the theme of separation (or brokenness, distrust or lack of fulfillment) enters into her primal relationship with her parents, the devastation will reverberate into the depths of her soul and identity,” explains Janelle Hallman. The basis of relationships throughout her life becomes one of separation. For a boy, it is appropriate to separate from his mother, strongly mirror and identify with his father. In a girl’s developmental process, such separation and detachment at this point makes itself a loud and devastating theme throughout life. She can lose the opportunity to practice and develop her relational capacities, which are foundational to becoming a secure woman. According to Anne Paulk’s 2001 survey on lesbianism, 53.9 percent of respondents reported being “tomboys” as little girls, admiring and modeling themselves after males (note: most “tomboys” grow out of this phase and do not become lesbians). These girls identified more with boys and boyish activities than with girls during their elementary school years.
Childhood
Growing girls need to respect their female identity. This affirmation can be conveyed through several people, especially peers. As they enter childhood, friends become very important in establishing a foundation upon which identity and nourishing relationships are formed. Friendship love-when a girl finds another girl with common interests-is critical to development. Such same-sex friendships affirm feminine identity.
Healthy friendships can fail to develop for many reasons. Perhaps a little girl is born into a military family and is forced to move frequently. Maybe she lives in a neighborhood where no other children are around. Maybe she has been sexually abused, or the emotional wounds from the lack of connection with her mother have tainted her ability to relate to others. Whatever the case, the implications can be extreme. She may learn to expect rejection and believe she is the cause of broken relationships. Furthermore, her perception may tell her that it is not safe to be female. Even if she has female friends, their actions and words-particularly if they point out masculine characteristics-can scar her deeply, shaping her sense of gender identity. Innocent friends can plant seeds of confusion and chaos that last a lifetime.
Puberty and adolescence
As a girl transitions into adolescence, she gains more and more independence and her mother’s and father’s attention begin to be replaced by peer relationships. Friends may become a leading influence at this point, and it is important she identify with girls her own age. As she feels a sense of belonging and is accepted and encouraged in her femininity, her identity will flourish. Though many teens typically feel they do not belong in “the group,” participating in activities and seeking common ground with peers remains crucial.
During this stage, the mysterious “other” also becomes apparent. Boys provide girls with a different opportunity to learn about femininity. The simple contrast between boys and girls helps to cement a girl’s identity. It is the first time in the developmental process that girls begin to define themselves by what they are not, and that is a good thing. These same- and opposite-sex peer relationships are invaluable during this stage. It is dangerous at this point if a young girl has not had her needs met in previous stages of development. Disconnectedness already may be a theme in her relationships though the true cry of her soul is to bond with others. She may feel empty. She may not know who she is-or she may even hate herself as a girl. Further, she does not know how to relate to her male or female peers. While she does the best she can, the emotional dependency that may plague her in adulthood has been planted. As a girl approaches adulthood, the culmination of the previous developmental stages may blossom into a full-fledged lesbian identity. At this point in her life, female relationships take on highly dependent characteristics.
“Emotional dependency is when a woman deposits her identity and well-being in another woman,” explains Janelle Hallman. The adult (and often teen) lesbian believes she is validated, accepted and secure only if she shares a connection with another. Nevertheless, this sort of connection is not healthy. If the relationship is threatened in any manner, she is thrown into crisis. This is because her true self-identity has not been formed; her behavior is a façade.
What is more, by pretending to be someone she is not (the façade), she becomes further and further distanced from her genuine self. Naturally, when the same-sex relationship deteriorates or fails, she despairs because she no longer has anyone validating her as a person. The vicious cycle of searching for her identity through homosexual relationships continues.
Adulthood
Again, the lesbian struggle is not centered so much on a sexual drive as it is on the emotional need for attachment and security. Nonetheless, even as an adult, the underlying theme in a lesbian’s life parallels that of a baby. An infant radiates insecurity just as a lesbian harbors insecurity deep within herself.
For example, what happens when a woman becomes separated in her primary relationship-the one she shares with her partner? The emotional blow may be so devastating that she is filled with hopelessness and may even contemplate suicide. It is similar with a baby. If the mother-infant relationship is severed, the baby actually could die. Another similarity to infants found in adult female homosexuals is that of wanting to nestle in another woman’s arms. Though adults performing such acts often become sexually aroused, the basis for doing them in the first place begins in infancy: Babies need to be comforted, to feel loved and to be accepted.
“Many of us who work in this field describe the core of a lesbian relationship as an emotional dependency.” -Janelle Hallman
The way out: Freedom from homosexuality
Understanding the dynamics of homosexuality can provide help and hope for those struggling with same-sex attractions. Many female homosexuals become angry or defensively skeptical when told they can change. They are quite independent and have learned to survive on their own, even if only through a façade. Despite the doubts, change is possible through the power of God.
Let us take another look at a recent study we mentioned at the beginning of this article. Robert L. Spitzer is Professor of Psychiatry and Chief of Biometrics at Columbia University. His provocative new study drew worldwide media attention at the American Psychiatric Association’s annual conference on May 9, 2001.
“Like most psychiatrists,” says Dr. Spitzer, “I thought that homosexual behavior could be resisted-but that no one could really change their sexual orientation. I now believe that is untrue-some people can and do change.” He interviewed 200 subjects (143 men and 57 women) who were willing to describe their sexual and emotional histories, including their self-reported shift from gay to straight. Most had sought change because a gay lifestyle had been emotionally unsatisfying. Many had been dissatisfied with the promiscuous, stormy relationships they had engaged in. A homosexual lifestyle also put them in conflict with their religious values.
“Contrary to conventional wisdom,” Spitzer concluded, “some highly motivated individuals, using a variety of change efforts, can make substantial change in multiple indicators of sexual orientation, and achieve good heterosexual functioning.” Spitzer added that change from homosexual to heterosexual is not a matter of “either/or,” but occurs on a continuum-with a gradual diminishing of homosexuality and expansion of heterosexual potential.41
As early as 1962, after treating more than 100 homosexuals, Dr. Irving Bieber concluded “a heterosexual shift is a possibility for all homosexuals who are strongly motivated to change.
Comments
So, how
do we deal with Lesbians in our families, in the workplace and in our
neighborhoods? They are individuals and
their abilities and personalities will vary. They will be drawn to having
Lesbian friends, because they need relationships with others who will accept
them. Many who thrive at work will also
have straight friends from work who will accept them because of their
competence and personality. Some will continue to vent their anger, become
life-long victims and continue to have difficulty. All should try to heal and
find some peace. Few can really help them, because it requires the experience
of having “walked in their shoes”.
Norb
Leahy, Dunwoody GA Tea Party Leader
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